Innocence. Why does it make me cry when I look at my son and see how innocent he is. When he offers to help me when I am down or ill. When he gladly helps clean with me. When he plays alone. When he smiles. When he laughs. And when he says "I love you." Innocence. why again do you make me cry?
I look around a lot I must admit and see and hear other moms and dads saying how their children are in their terrible twos or how their kids drive them insane and I smile. My smile is because I am so blessed to have a son who is so much the opposite. I do not want or need alone time away from him. I actually want to be there every moment. My thought is I have plenty of time to be alone after he is off and grown. Which I know will come all too fast for me. Going out to have "me" time or "hubby and me" time seems completely out of my book. Specially to go to a bar and drink or party. Its all pointless to me.
It seems like yesterday I was in the hospital holding him for the first time and now he is 6 but seems like he is going on 16. Ever since he was 2 he has been by my side helping me, tucking me in bed sometimes and most important of all. He has been teaching me new things about myself and life that I never knew existed.
I have always and will always be a child at heart. He completes it all. My love for him will never ever dwindle no matter what happens or the choices he does make in his future. he is my son. Yes, my son. No one else's. And that I than God for every single minute, hour and day.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Where are all the good people going?
Seems lately every time I talk to someone or log on to some social media website I hear of someone's passing. Funny thing is it seems to be all the good people. The people who put up a strong courageous battle with cancer, a young driver who was hit by a drunk driver or a child who barely made it to their first birthday.
So I ask, "Where have all the good people gone?". Of course a person may say to heaven and guess what? I agree.
In all honesty I fear death just as much as anyone else. But what do I fear the most about death? Is it the pain? Is it the fear of going to somewhere unknown? Or maybe the fact that my body will be 6 feet under in the ground? The answer to all of those is "no".
What I truly whole-heartily am afraid of is not being with my family anymore. Specially my children. The idea of not being there when they are crying or in pain is just a heart wrenching thought to me. Knowing will not be there to comfort them on the nights they are sick, or being able to hug them and tell them everything is going to be OK. In all honesty it just plain makes me feel sick to my stomach.
Even the idea of not being able to talk to my best friend, my mom, is also so alarming. When I am sad, depressed or feeling crappy in general she reminds me of how far I have come and where I am going. The thought I will not be able to receive hugs and kisses from my husband makes me feel like I am all alone all over again. Being with the same man I love for 21 years, since I was 14 has become a comfort zone to me. What I mean by that is we hold each other up. We build each other up. We are so madly in love still to this day.
So when someone tells me their friend, loved one or pet has gone away to a greener pasture I am saddened for not only them but for their now departed loved one. They had great times here and now its ended temporarily. But then I also remind myself of the beauty that heaven posses and holds. The fact that now they are reunited with their old friends, family and pets does make the pain seems a little less. Knowing they are safe, out of pain and enjoying the awesome view makes the sting a lot less. But until then I live by the age old motto "Life's too short, just do it!". So for now I will enjoy this view because God knows the other view may not be for me. I do have a fear of heights!